Behavioral Success Blog

Q: My 9-year-old son has been asking me questions about death lately. We have not had any death in our family and his questioning about the topic worries me. He just says he has been thinking about it. Should I be concerned about this or should I just let this go?

A: Children will bring up this topic for a variety of reasons. Perhaps he has heard some of his friends talking about it, seen it on television, overheard adults talking about, etc. This is a really good sign that he is asking you about something that he does not understand. Start by asking him what he knows about it and listen carefully to the explanations he gives. Death can be a very scary topic for a child, and you my need to calm his fears. The concept of death is an evolutionary one. It is generally better understood by children when they reach the development of their logical thinking, which is probably where your son happens to be at this time. At this stage a child begins to understand the finality of death. In cartoons and video games, a character is killed but rebounds and comes right back to life with the aid of magic or superpowers. He has come to realize that this is not the case in real life. Be frank with your answers and offer opportunities for him to ask questions. A good place to start is by talking about what happens to a person when they die using your family or religious beliefs to explain what happens after death. You may also talk about what are some of the rituals that have been established to honor the dead (cremation, burial, wake, etc.) Keep in mind any fears or anxiety he may have shown. While the concept of Heaven may be wonderful to a child, the concept of Hell is not. Be sure to include the emotional aspects of death and how to deal with the loss of a loved one and how people feel sad. As you explain concepts to him ask him to repeat what he has heard from you. This is a good way of knowing how he is understanding what you are telling him. Offer alternative explanations to ideas he expresses that are incorrectly interpreted. However, make sure you pick up on cues when you have provided more information than what he is looking for.