Behavioral Success Blog

Q: I have caught my 7-year-old daughter in several lies lately. While playing outside, a planter got broken and she was the only one around. When I asked her if she broke the planter, she told me she had not. Five minutes before it was fine, and now it is broken. She is the only one around. Then a week later, she told me she had brushed her teeth and when I checked her toothbrush, it was dry so I knew she hadn't. I asked her again if she brushed her teeth and she said she had. I don't know what to do about this. I don't want others to not be able to trust her if they catch her lying. How do I handle this?

A: What is it that makes immediate declaration of fault such a virtue with parents? A parent who discovers some juvenile mischief asks the question to an obviously guilty child, "Who did this?" "I dunno," is the inevitable answer. The situation is not one that needs a question asked. Children, not unlike adults, don't like to admit they are wrong. If you don't want a less than truthful answer, don't ask the question. Children will lie primarily because it is an easy defense. Parents become concerned about lying because they see it as a sign that the child may have more serious problems. Is stealing next? Will they become a real problem child as they get older? We do not condone lying. The question lies with why parents tend to lead their children to lie when it is not necessary. Once in a while questioning will yield the desired result and the truth will come out. But children are not typically like George Washington who confessed to chopping down the cherry tree. More often we end up teaching our children the importance of being able to lie really well when we question them about their responsibility for something when we're already reasonably sure of it. Having practiced various forms of arrogance and beating around the bush, the day inevitably comes when, aided by feedback from parents about what works and doesn't work, our children becomes the artful liar. The child maintains fixed-eye innocence and even shows hurt at the hint of false accusation. Parents need to learn to distinguish between the lie to save face and more pathological forms of lying. Don't invite your child to practice lying when you know or have good reason to believe he or she has done something that now needs correction. Just state your belief about what has happened and what needs to be done. A spill needs to be cleaned up or a broken window needs to be replaced with the child perhaps chipping in his or her allowance or making some other compensation.

If you are not sure what happened, make some inquiries, taking statements from witnesses at the scene, perhaps checking out a few things which can be quickly verified. And then a decision should be rendered, without apology. In multiple-child families, one child is held responsible only when the evidence solely points in his or her direction. If this is unclear, everyone who could have had a hand in the incident can assist in the clean-up or other corrective action. Lying should be an occasion for later discussion between the parent or parents and child with a focus on development of integrity and other virtues rather than punishment. The misstatements of the very young are best ignored, or winked at with a "nice try, son." The moral development talk can come later, when the child can participate with more than a nod and a promise to do better. More pathological forms of lying do exist. This may be indicated when the lying has become consistent and predictable, is bizarre or fantastic; or serves no clear function in an effort to free him from blame. Parents who are concerned about lying in their children should consider an evaluation by a professional child therapist.