Behavioral Success Blog

Q: A few times in the past few months I have noticed money missing from my purse. I do not want to accuse my children but they are the only ones that have access to my purse. Is there a good way of handling this?

A: This is a problem that is best to address with all your children at once. If you are certain that no one else has access to your purse, have a meeting with your children. Explain that you noticed money missing from you purse and tell them you expect to find out who is doing this. Tell them that you expect someone to confess and, if you have to find out on your own, the punishment will be more severe. You indicated you have children. If you have only one child, however, confront them and tell them that money is missing and you want to know why they are taking it from your purse. Give them time to think how they are going to tell you. It is a difficult thing for a child to admit to a parent that they have taken money from their purse. They may rationalize their behavior for several reasons:
* It is not stealing because when they do ask you for money, you take it out of your purse and give it to them.
* They may think that you do not mind that they take it. This happens because you instruct them to get their own lunch money out of your purse.
* They were going to tell you later. They just borrowed it temporarily.

Dealing with this issue is difficult. If you tell your children not to take anything out of your purse, be ready to reinforce this decision. Don't ask them to bring you things that are inside your purse or to take out their lunch money. In children's mind, the issue of community property that prevails at home at times is extended to money. As parents, we have to teach our children to differentiate between community property and private property. Taking money out of Dad's wallet or Mom's purse is not the same as taking an apple out of the refrigerator. Building and maintaining the trust after your money has been taken out from your purse may take some time. But it is important to let them work toward rebuilding that trust. Don't tell them you can never trust them again. That only sends the wrong message. It is important to talk about this with them to make sure they know this is a form or stealing and to make sure they understand the difference between right and wrong. Let them also know that you are proud that they came forward and told you they took the money. That will keep the communication between parents and children open, something that is essential for them to understand as they grow up.